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Adults say phrases such as 'good girl' and 'good boy' to children all the time and mean them positively.

They may use it when a child puts on their shoes when asked, when they draw something interesting, or get a maths question correct.

But this kind of language may not always be healthy or helpful. One issue is it doesn鈥檛 actually give children clear feedback on what they just did or said.

What could you say instead?

Praise has been seen as a key part of raising children for decades. In the 1950s, influential US psychologist B.F. Skinner believed rewards, including praise,聽.

In the 1970s, amid聽, psychologists and other child development experts emphasised the importance of praising children.

But since the 2000s, psychology research聽聽from seeing self-esteem, and hence praise, as central to a child鈥檚 wellbeing.

Early childhood education聽聽towards children having a positive sense of identity instead. This means children having a sense of safety, belonging and capability, rather than a strong opinion of themselves.

Nevertheless, praise is still frequently mentioned in聽popular advice to parents.

厂辞尘别听聽have defined praise as either informational (telling children about their strengths and actions) or evaluative (telling children whether or not they are good enough).

In a similar vein, US psychologist聽聽categorises praise as 鈥減erson praise鈥� or 鈥減rocess praise鈥�.

Person praise focuses on stable characteristics such as personality or appearance. Process praise focuses on behaviours or effort directed towards achieving an outcome, such as learning to ride a bike or a baby taking first steps.

搁别蝉别补谤肠丑听聽person praise can decrease young children鈥檚 motivation to challenge themselves and lead to feelings of helplessness if they fail.

In contrast,聽聽of children whose mothers used process praise showed these children were more likely to be confident in preschool and later in primary school.

Process praise is informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome (鈥淚 can see by your puffing how hard you ran in that race鈥�). Person praise tends to be evaluative, often where there is little possibility for change, or only after success (鈥淲hat a winner!鈥�).

More broadly, constant praise may mean children unconsciously feel they are聽, rather than for themselves.

This can work against the聽聽and a healthy sense of identity.

Adults who over-praise (particularly evaluative or person-focused praise) may assume children need external rewards to do the right thing. This doesn鈥檛 enable children to make good choices on their own.

搁别肠别苍迟听聽inflated praise, using words such as 鈥渋ncredible鈥�, 鈥渁mazing鈥� and 鈥渨onderful鈥�, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence.

This can lead children to become upset or angry at failure, partly because they perceive their worth to be conditional on meeting adults鈥� standards. So, counterintuitively, inflated praise can lower self-esteem.

鈥淕ood girl/boy鈥� also raises other issues around gender identity and self-esteem.

搁别蝉别补谤肠丑听聽found men are more likely to see praise as informational (reflecting their competence) whereas women are more likely to see praise as evaluative (implying their need to conform to set ways of behaving).

Studies of children that聽聽also found girls tended to respond more negatively to evaluative praise.

While some of this research is decades old and done in the United States, it is interesting to think about why this might be, and whether it relates to how we socialise children into gender roles. What kind of unconscious messages are we communicating through our praise?

Three principles can support a healthy approach to praising kids.

1. Give children realistic feedback about their behaviour or actions.聽For example, 鈥淲ell done. I can see you鈥檙e trying there with your kicks鈥� as opposed to 鈥淎mazing kicking! You鈥檙e a superstar!鈥�
2. Focus on children鈥檚 own learning or improvement rather than on competing with others聽For example, 鈥淣ext time, when you play that piece, how about trying it faster?鈥� rather than 鈥淭hat wasn鈥檛 as quick as Sophia can play it鈥�.
3. Use praise that shows children they are valued regardless of what they may or may not do.聽For example, 鈥淲ell done! I know you studied every day for this test鈥� as opposed to 鈥淵ou鈥檙e Dad鈥檚 straight-A angel!

These approaches all support confidence, empathy and resilience in children 鈥� qualities we all need in our complex world.

Dr Amanda Niland is an expert in early childhood education at the University of Sydney, and is director of the Master of Teaching Early Childhood program. This article was first published on . Hero photo: Fizkes/Shutterstock.